by John Nichols

Teachers answer the same questions over and over. Usually it is a different student or teacher that asks, but not always. This is why we are a little batty and have much less patience at the end of the day than when we went off to work in the morning. Having a snappy comeback or a catch phrase can come in handy and help you keep your perspective. You might find situations where these could be useful. After all, there are so many teachable moments every day...

I am sarcastic by nature. Some might even say a wise-ass. My motto is, “First, entertain myself. If other people laugh, that’s good too.” It started in college with witty banter between friends and roommates, and seems to continue on to this day. People who know me have heard many of these. I don’t always say them out loud, but I think them...

“Save early and often.” I often tell the story of the 1960 presidential election after saying this. Kennedy won Chicago because so many people voted “early and often.” Yes, students roll their eyes. I usually follow it up with:
“You must be Saved!” in my best imitation of a big tent preacher.

“Could be worse, could be raining.” This is a direct quote from Mel Brook’s Young Frankenstein. Marty Feldman says it in answer to all the complaining Gene Wilder is doing while they dig a grave. Remember, plagiarism is wrong.

“Are you left handed?” There are some people that can screw up a computer just by looking at it. This was inspired by NPR’s Tap-It Brothers who often ask what color the car is while they try to figure out what is wrong with it. Tell me you don’t know a computer Jonah?

Students ask, “Do we have to turn this in?” To which I reply, “Only if you want a grade.” I just like to watch the facial expressions...

“If you don’t give it to me, I can’t grade it.” This is my other response to, “Do we have to turn this in?” I have tried to move to a drop box on the network plan to save trees. Trees are good.

“Trees are good.” It was worth saying again.

“Don’t print twice if it didn't print once. You don’t have to hit your head on both sides of the brick wall to prove that it will hurt do you?” This is to prevent me fixing a printer and then spitting out 15 copies of each person’s work. This has mixed results. Many students will claim that it doesn't really hurt...

“Don’t tell me too late.” If you want my help, ask early in the problem. If only I could take my own advice on this. I must not be fully grown up yet...

“You are making a career decision here.” I say this to the student who says, “I hate Macs!” You just cannot let that kind of ignorance go unchallenged you know.

“No, the computer is not messed up, it’s just misunderstood.” Why does everybody blame the computer? I think it is because they use PC's...

“Please police your area.” I say this to get students to clean up the lab. They don’t get it though, my lab is still a mess. You may find mentioning the police will make some students nervous. This may make you nervous too. I feel your pain.

“Mr. Electricity is our friend.” Any day you can quote the Muppet Show to explain why a computer would work better if it was plugged in, is a good day.

“Hardware doesn't bounce.” Have you ever seen a teenage boy attempt to dribble an external hard drive? It is not pretty. Hey, watch it, this column is rated “G!’

“Government Jobs.” These are all the little extra favors computer people do for all of our friends. We know, we know, even if we didn't do favors you would like us anyway...

“If you block the vent, your computer cannot breathe.” What can I say, I was once an elementary teacher. Sometimes the simple explanation is the best.

“Get off the internet!” I suspect that I am going to be saying this the rest of my career. Sometimes I am specific and say, “Get off the internet now!”

“Do not get back on the internet.” You didn't see that coming?

“And don’t just minimize it on the Task Bar either!” Under my breath, “Because I am not an idiot...” I once heard a kid say under his breath, ‘Idiot.”

“I don’t want to get any phone calls from your mom.” That is why we have filters on the internet connection... Feel free to expand this to, “or other parent or guardian.”

“His parents must be so proud...” This is one that I think and don’t say.

“It needs to be appropriate enough that I could read it to my grandmother over the phone.” Because I don’t have time to drive to her house and read it to her in person.

“Did you tell anybody your password? Nobody at all? Are you sure? Just those two?” The answer to why all of their stuff is missing from their home directory.

“Don’t become an Astronaut, you don’t get second chances.” I save this one for people who do not listen to directions. Teenage voice, “Houston, um, was I like, um, supposed to push a button or something? Houston? Hello?” Every day is Career Day in my class.

“I should have been a dentist, because this is like pulling teeth.” As I said, every day is Career Day in my class...

“You didn't save it? You never lose anything? You are an Egyptian Crocodile. Because you are living in denial (de Nile).” Okay, it reads lame, but once you start saying it around your school, I guarantee your coolness factor will go up. Really.

“I am like a beach, sooner or later everything washes up on my shores.” Because everyone ends up in the computer lab eventually, I get to hear all the school gossip. Plus I don’t mind listening, so people feel free to vent.

“Just part of my job.” I say this modestly if everything works out. If it doesn't, I slink away quietly and try to recover my dignity.

“You wouldn't have that problem if you were on a Mac.” I love to say this. I relish saying this. I would say this even if it weren't true. But it is true!

http://www.macusingeducators.com/

MACinations November 04